The One With the Naked Guy

WARNING: This is a weird post…

I decided it was time to visit my grandparents. I had recently quit my job and had plenty of time to fill the family obligations that I perpetually pushed onto “next weekend.” After talking for a bit, and playing with their energetic puppy, we headed out the door to a local spot for a late lunch.

The lunch itself was nothing out of the ordinary. We chatted, packed up our leftovers, and headed back toward home. Gram started talking about quite the sight that she had seen on her way back from the very same restaurant about a month previously. She explained her bad habit of looking into people’s windows as the car whirled down the pavement.

“The last time we were on this road, there was a naked man standing in his window,” she said. Now I was intrigued. I asked her to point out which house it was. And I swear, as sure as the sky is blue, this man was standing in front of his picture window in the buff. By some crazy twist, Gram didn’t see him this time and Pap was focused on the road. We spent a few minutes laughing about it. What a story I would have to tell to my friends…

…And then it became an obsession. The house truly was on my way to and from mine and my parents’ house, but there may have been a few instances that went slightly out of the way to prove my point. I had to see this man again, and I did.

I needed the second sighting to confirm that I had actually seen him in the first place. There he was: a t-shirt slung over his shoulder; his hand over his bits. He was not there the day after.

The third sighting made me so inquisitive. At this point, I had realized that he had a schedule for his au natural escapades (5pm-6pm, in case you’re interested). Why is he standing there? What is he looking at? Is this considered public indecency? How does he have so much time to spend just standing naked in the window? Does he live alone? Are his neighbors aware of it?

I was telling this story to everyone. I felt like FRIENDS characters taking turns with the binoculars to look at Ugly Naked Guy. There was one difference though- no one else had seen him. My boyfriend was convinced that he was a mannequin. My dad was disappointed every time we drove past and the blinds were closed (my dad and I have a very special sense of humor).

One fortuitous day, as I was sitting on my parents’ couch, my sister-in-law texted our never-ending group message. “I SAW THE NAKED GUY.” Yes, it really was in all caps, and yes it was completely necessary. I could no longer question my sanity, at least not in correlation to this particular instance. Since then, my brother, mom and dad have seen him!

I still don’t know the answers to any of my questions, but to satisfy my busy mind I have decided that he is just a man that likes to stand in front of a box fan after he gets out of the shower. The t-shirt is not a shirt at all. It’s actually his bath towel. He has recently taken up bird watching and is looking at the feeder that he installed at the end of the yard. His neighbors have noticed, but since he does such a great job taking care of his elderly parents, they don’t butt into his business. I’ve named him Bill.

I know, I know. You are so disappointed that there were no pictures included!


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